HAhmed.com

I found this hilarious group on facebook. For those of you who watch TV (these commercials are on all the time during sports events especially), you must be familiar with Miller Lite’s Man Laws. Although they are sponsored by an alcohol company, which I definitely do not support, the commercials are quite entertaining and feature celebrities including Triple H, Jerome Bettis, Eddie Griffen (”manly men”) gathering around a table coming up with laws in response to certain problems. These commercials have even been featured in the NYTimes.

And now, a bunch of brothers in Chicago have come up with a set of Muslim Man Laws, thats a little more shariah-complaint, lol. (And for the record, i dont necessarily agree with all of these laws)

Here are some of them. Enjoy:

1) Under no circumstances shall a man drink any alcoholic beverage. Not only is it a waste of money….it is HARAM.

2) A man shall not wipe the grease off his slice of pizza. If you can’t handle the grease, get a salad.

3) Short shorts are hereby banned! Not only are they unfashionable, but they also show the skin above your knees, which is Haram.

4) If you spill a man’s ZamZam water, you buy him a new one.

5) A man will never clinck glasses with another man. It is simply gay.

6) A man may find attraction ONLY in a woman. Any man who finds attraction in another man is not a man but a queer and should be weary that an entire nation was destroyed on the basis of homosexuality

7) Pakola is now banned! There is no need to explain this one.

When praying, always insist that someone else leads. This will then lead to a insisting pushing match between you and at least one other person. After an awkardly long time, one of you will break and lead while the other feels that he won.

9) Keep your beard clean. Growing a beard is sunnah. But if you grow a beard, make sure you keep it nice and clean. There is nothing worse than an excessively hariy bearded man talking to you.

10) The September through February months are reserved for football. Watching of any other sport is unacceptable. The only exception is the World Series, so long as YOUR team is playing. Baskteball does not matter till March and hockey is simply gay.

11) Speaking excessively to people of the opposite sex is not recommended. Unless she is EXTREMELY hot and you have the intention of marrying her, in which case, more power to you.

Addendum to Man Law No. 11:
- Avoid pursuing a female who is not muslim unless some part of your intention includes converting her.

12) When given the option of some weak American food or biriyani/hummus/any other Arab or Desi food, always choose the ethnic food. Know your roots.

13) If going to Hajj, it is not gay to ask your friends what they want you to bring back for them. It is, however, gay to reply with this question with, “If you really knew me, you’d know what to get.”

14) It is not acceptable to call soccer “football”. There is only one football. Soccer can be used as a seconday sport only if you play every 4 years in the summer when basketball is over and football training camp hasnt begun.

15) No man shalll speak while he is in the stall UNLESS he is lota-less in which another man is obliged to fetch one for him.

16) It is recommended that a man watch sports center every day and it is law that a man be up to date with football (refer to Law 14 if there is any discrepancy regarding the definition of football).

17) The term “Stud” is reserved for men and cannot be self-proclaimed. Any man who violates the MML is not a man and therefore cannot be a “Stud”.

18) No man is permitted to wear pink clothing. Wearing pink gives the impression that you are attending a gay pride parade for which you will be stripped of your manhood and classified as a queer (see law 6 for further clarification).

19) A man should never lend a woman his credit card unless he wishes destruction for himself.

20) No man shall claim he lives in “Chi-Town” when in actuality, a fellow Chicagoan would need to suffer a 1 hour drive to reach his damn house.

21) No hafiz shall grow his beard come time for leading Taraweeh, and then right after the 30th fast, shave it off. Real men keep their beards, not for the people’s sake for a period of 30 days. It strips away all manlihood from one who cannot handle criticism for being a beardless hafiz.

22) No man shall wear a pseudo-religious garb (especially during ISNA), in order to impress the sisters. If convicted, he may be penalized by being forced to grow a Tom Selleck mustasche.

23) If 2 or more men are watching sports and one of them asks to watch another show that is not a sport, said man should be punched in the shoulder.

24) No man shall poke another man on Facebook. That’s just gay. He may poke a female on Facebook, so long as he does not do that in real life. Touching girls may very well be HARAM and it would cause the female to give you a nice, long, awkward look.

25) No man shall have a profile picture that is not of himself. We know that you are NOT a BMW M5. And whether or not you have one is questionable.

26) If claiming to have gone at a very high speed on the highway, two witnesses must be present to verify your story. These two witnesses may not be your sister and mother! A picture/video of the speedometer will strengthen your claim.

27) Men shall play fantasy football. In the case that your team ends up at the bottom of the league, you may refer to the season as a “rebuilding season.”

28) Men may miss watching a football game under one circumstance: they will be playing in their own football game. Games will NEVER be missed to go “shopping.”

29) If you have a black eye, please tell the truth. Just tell us that your father hit you for not respecting uncle-sab. Dont tell us that you got in a streetfight. We all know the only streetfighting you’ve ever done is at an arcade on the Street Fighter game.

30) Under no circumstance shall a man transfer control of the television remote to a woman

- Addendum to Man Law No. 30:
It is also not recommended for a man to tranfer control his sound system, cellular fone, atm card or automobile to a woman.

31) A man should obey is mother at all times (Unless she is asking you do something that is Islamically unlawful). This law supercedes any laws that may be found contradictory to it.

32) When calling shotgun, all riders must be outside and the automobile MUST BE IN SIGHT. The driver will be the judge of who declares shotgun first and may NOT show any preferential treatment. In the case of a tie, shotgun will be determined by a ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS match consisting of 3 rounds. The loser must take it like a man and ride in the back seat.

33) A man should not allow his garment to drag on the floor. It is not cool. It is filthy.

34) A man will not steal somebodys drink bottle for a lota unless and until he is finished with the liquid inside.

- Addendum to Man Law No. 34:
A Muslim man should use a lota that can hold more than 1/2 gallon of water. Cleanliness is not achieved otherwise.

35) No man can call dibbs on a girl under the age of sixteen.

36) A man will not jack another man’s napkins.

37) No attempting to split Muslims up into Arabs and Desis. This only divides the Ummah……plus it makes Brian feel lonely.

38) Men shall be on the lookout for “Hoe-jabis”. A Hoe-jabi is a woman who wears a hijab, but acts like she doesn’t. Make sure to avoid them at ALL COSTS.

39) Men will invite other men to Muslim Man Law.

40) Muslim men shall not revere any hip hop icons such as Tupac, Biggie, or 50 Cent. Their lyrics boast of haram exploits, criminal lifestyles, and disrespect toward women. Breaking this MML will result in deportation to Compton.

41) If you see a brother in a debatable situation, we must give him at least 70 excuses before concluding that what he is doing is not halal.